Fear: Patterns, Shadow Work & Healing

Summary: In this post we talk about fear of the unfamiliar, shadow work, and breaking patterns. We get real as I use a mild example and talk about various psychological theories and healing approaches. I hope this helps and gives you a giggle or two. For the sake of this post, please note I'm also not addressing PTSD, CPTSD, or abuse of any kind in this post. The lessons and pattern breaking I reference here can range from simply doing less to addressing intense core wounding. This post is not medical, health, or psychological advice of any kind and for entertainment purposes only.  

As we know, lessons and breaking familiar, yet unhelpful, patterns can come from just about anywhere--- friends, family relationships, work relationships, contracts and so much more.

Call it healing, doing shadow work, breaking cycles, learning lessons -----whatever you choose to call it, this inner work can rarely be adequately addressed without talking about fear. You may be thinking, "but I'm not afraid or scared of anything" or "I don't have anxiety", which is all fine and well. However, let's expand the definition of fear. Merriam-Webster includes in their definition that fear is, "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation", "awareness of danger", "expect with alarm" and lastly "to be afraid or apprehensive". Whether you agree that these definitions fit you and your shadow work, we all have that something we perceive as a consequence of stepping into the unfamiliar.

For me, one of the many ways this lesson and breaking patterns manifested in my life, was romantic love and dating (per usual right?). I won't forget the day I found myself sitting in my mother’s living room, she asked me how I was feeling about Andrew and where I saw the relationship going.

I paused and told her I was really happy. I knew he loved me, I was being treated extremely well and I loved him. I continued, saying I didn't know where the relationship was headed but I was very happy. She laughed and said,  “My goodness, are you okay? Are you running a fever? I never thought I'd hear that!”  

As we laughed I felt a sense fear or uneasiness rise up hearing what I said aloud. I felt like I had exactly the kind of relationship that felt good to be in, that was real and honest

and yet I had little feeling or even subconscious thought, “Wait, am I okay?” Or put differently.......

This was the moment I noticed the ease, the stark contrast between everything I had experienced in love and what my current reality was.  In my single girl era I started to become a bit more cautious, maybe too cautious in relationships. I presented as warm and inviting in dating, especially with Andrew, but I was hesitant to commit, slow to be all in, slow to settle into our relationship. The consistency and ease while in a relationship was so new to me. It’s like I couldn’t believe people like him existed, that relationships could be good, and that I could actually spend a lifetime with a loving partner. Maybe a part of me felt like if I trusted this was happening, Id wake up and it wouldn't be real. This hesitation and cautious response, stemming from past painful relationship experiences, may have served me in early dating experiences, but not so much when building a life with someone. 

The human brain wants so badly to be “right", to stay with the familiar, to be able to predict any emotional, mental or physical danger ahead and save us from it–- even if "saving us from it" is self sabotage. The default mode is the familiar, the pattern. Our nervous system in constantly taking in information and trying to making sense of it, often times looking for the pattern, the familiar, but familiar doesn't always mean safety. In my above example, needless to say, Andrew was far from the experiences I had before and far from familiar.  Singleness was much more familiar than being treated this well.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach says the wounded firefighter (reactive) ”part” of us and the manager (proactive) “part” of us develop to protect us from pain or to push the pain away. These parts can be called to action in the present, especially in relationships, when there is a perceived unmet need, past wounds, and fears that are actually rooted in the past. 

Attachment theory will say early caregiver relationship dynamics are reenacted in various types of situations here in our present day life. Connecting these two theories, a lack of a secure attachment style can create and activate the protective yet wounded exiled “parts” of ourself (including inner child) we see in IFS. 

The work of ​Bessel van der Kolk MD  calls this idea the smoke detector of the brain and discusses the state of body dysregulation we can experience due to past trauma or wounding. 

I say all of this to highlight that giving ourselves a little grace and love in these situations is more than warranted. Stepping into the unfamiliar is a mind, body and soul growth moment.

For me, it felt like the healing work done up to that point in life allowed this great person to come into my life and yet the next integrative step felt like a leap. I was afraid to trust it- afraid to be hurt, and not wanting to feel disappointment if I got my hopes up that this experience with love could be different. If I thought dating was strange, being in that first truly high vibe relationship shocked me. If I would have met Andrew earlier in my journey, I may have tried to run away or avoid despite his goodness and light. I may have called it off just to not risk getting hurt. I know my cautious response (and some divine protection) probably saved me a lot of heartache in dating, but I had to learn to balance that caution with receiving love when it was healthy and trusting my mind, body and soul to recognize it.  Like so many times in healing or shadow work, the strategies we have used to keep our perceived sense of safety just don't work here in the present. The cycle of accepting less, shrinking to be less, having unhealthy boundaries, and staying in unhealthy situations was gone, but perhaps the lesson was not complete until I could integrate it, not just just have the awareness and action to break the pattern but curating the ability to say yes to joy and letting it in.

Like I mention at the start of this post, this shadow work and breaking patterns can revolve around so many aspects of life not just love.

When looking at friendships or even family---especially when distancing from people that are not in our greatest good, does the fear of experiencing loneliness keep us in unhealthy places? Or does the fear of what "being alone" means about us keep you in connections that drain you, leave you feeling crummy or just don't serve you?

When looking at something like gossiping, does not participating or shutting it down bring up the subconscious fear of not being included? Does the idea of being or doing something different fuel the fear of being excluded or physically or emotionally alone? Perhaps this is why we see so many people shrink themselves and dim their light. Similarly, I've seem people that didn't include others or collaborate out of worry they would lose control of a project or not being seen or be overshadowed. Perhaps the real fear is feeling as if they are not as great or talented as their collogues, not perfect, or fear of gaining some outside "evidence" they are not good enough, despite it not being true.

I've also talked to many people that seem to fear visibility, fear real vulnerability, fear letting people get close, fear putting themselves out there for a job, opportunity, business, or connection. Sometimes this looks more like a fear of not over giving, not people pleasing, not overinvesting......not "proving" their worth. In my opinion, the real fear in these examples is deeper. It's fear of being rejected, abandoned, or receiving some other message that feels likes "I'm not enough" or "I'm not worthy". I say this with so much empathy. I've been there. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tells us these are core beliefs we establish in early years. Did you know some research says that kids establish their core beliefs about themselves by age seven?

I've also have talked to people who passionately avoid talking about their patterning, past or anything of substance as a way to avoid possibly feeling anything difficult or out of fear there is more shadow work to do in that area.

Wounding and conditioning is wild isn’t it? It creates fear and patterns that once protected  us or gave the illusion of mental, physical, spiritual or emotional  safety, but here in the present…. just doesn't serve us. 

Therefore, don't forget the self compassion as I challenged you to look at some of the ways you may subconsciously be limiting your joy and experience of blessings (in all forms). 

As we start to wrap up this post, lets talk healing through shadow work, inner work, or breaking patterns. Its really all very similar work.

Start with a real honest reflection and build a little awareness around what stimulus bring up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings or perceived unmet needs? What elicits a larger or more intense reaction than you would like? Perhaps it's helpful to think about what prevents you from feeling gratitude at times?

Below are few examples. This is by NO MEANS an inclusive or exhaustive list. Each person is beautifully unique with a unique mindset. This is simply a launching point based on themes I've seen in my teletherapy and coaching clinic lately.

• “Push love or friends away before I’m hurt" or  “leave before I’m left or hurt” 

• “If I control or manage everything, it will be okay"

• Superficial connections (plutonic or romantic) because " vulnerability may = getting hurt"  or "opening up/ talking about feelings= weakness"

• Hyper independence  or "I'm only safe if I do it alone"

• People pleasing, lack of boundaries and/or perfectionism - fear of judgment or inadequacy or idea that "love and belonging is only earned through performance, fixing and peacekeeping"

• Self-sabotage and/or avoidance in various form

•  Fear of experiencing our emotions / fear of feeling shame or pain

  
  

Logically and intellectually you may know these statements are not true, but what does your gut and body believe? How does your nervous system wiring react? How does it impact your overall mood? What do your mind and body feel? We often have to get present, grounded and into the body to bring subconscious patterns to conscious awareness. This is what can be so powerful about yoga and mediation, breathwork, somatics, and other body based approaches. They provide an invitation and container to create the safety in and a relationship with the body that is conducive to healing and allows us to actually feel our emotions.

You may have noticed, I have now mentioned self compassion and non-judgment twice in this post. It's strategic. This non-judgment, this absence of shame is key when sitting with our feelings and breaking free of patterns in a meaningful way. And this my friends, is a skill --- a practice. Its also something that when we are first starting out, most humans are not great at. And that's okay, not many of us come into this world knowing how to do this. We are unwriting the story that has been sold to us. We are unlearning. When actually feeling our emotions, we tend to feel all the self judgement, all the self shaming and all the other emotions.   With IFS, some experts say the exiled parts of us hold the shame, but can co-regulate with our true self, despite somatic and nervous system response is not necessarily core to IFS or CBT. Again, feeling our emotions it's a practice and for many people there is a fear of experiencing their emotions so they are buried or avoided. Some IFS experts say the exiled parts of ourselves that carry these past wounds are activated and the firefighter and the manager parts step in to avoid or manage the perceived emotional danger.

  I say all of this above and caution you not to get hooked on self awareness, stuck in analysis or into a habit of intellectualizing your emotions or patterns. That just makes you a more informed version of yourself that's still not feeling your emotions and still stuck in the pattern, perhaps even stuck with dissociation, distraction, avoidance and one of the mindsets listed above. Feeling our feelings is a practice, a skill and one well worth the freedom. You deserve it!!

No one can do the the work for you but you don't have to do the work alone. If you interested in connecting with our online women's shadow work group or individual options drop us a comment below or send us as message here. I hope you have enjoyed this post and look forward to seeing you on retreat with us soon or connecting with us on social media at @lunasoulsretreatco on Instagram

Love, Whiney from Luna Souls

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